Dearest One,
Tomorrow, July 17th, is my 10 year wedding anniversary. I cannot believe
that Rob and I tied the knot a decade ago. We wed in beautiful Ojai, California, known as Southern California’s Valley of the Moon, in blistering heat surrounded by our very closest family and friends. It was one of the best days of my life and one of the best decisions I’ve ever made to marry this man of mine.
Over these past 10 years that have had great ups and downs, losses and disappointments, bliss and unbelievable joy, I’ve discovered a few things.
A Safe Harbor
Every marriage has agreements, some spoken, some unspoken. Rob and I decided long ago that our relationship would be our safe harbor. 
We are each other’s home. A place to rest and replenish, a place to seek refuge and lick our wounds. We go to the outside world for rigor and to work our growing edges, to be challenged and get agitated to become more. And then we return to each other for hugs and comfort. This has worked so well in our marriage. I know many marriages (and have been in other relationships) where the agreement is to challenge each other and push each other to more greatness. And that works perfect for them. For us, it’s divine to be the safe landing place. What works for you?
Be on the Same Team
The biggest blessing in my marriage is that we’ve always felt like we’re on the same team. We’ve never had to work at that, it’s just been there. When a challenge or crisis arrives on our doorstep we look at it together and tackle it as teammates. This has saved us time and time again during breakdowns, chaos and disagreements. Adding children to the relationship makes this even more vital. We work hard to never undercut one another with parenting decisions. It is important for us.
Eyes Wide Open
Our path to marriage got really, really rocky for a minute there. In fact, we were engaged, then got un-engaged, then engaged again, then, at last, married. We never left the relationship, but there were several freak outs led by little ole’ me over a course of a year. Rob was never attached to getting married, but I really wanted to. When he proposed (in the most romantic way EVER when he wrote a song for me) I was so filled with joy and bliss I was shaking. Then I panicked. How could I truly KNOW that we would be together forever? The answer was I couldn’t. But I was willing to take our own unique vows of marriage and make the leap of faith. And I’ve never looked back.
Growing Old Together
Rob and I were talking about our upcoming anniversary and I commented, “I mean when we 
decided to grow old together I just didn’t get…” and he finished it “that we’d actually get old?” YES! That’s exactly it.
It didn’t really sink in that Rob would witness me getting wrinkles and my first gray hair. That I’d watch Rob get reading glasses and get less hair 🙂 That we’d see each other wake up some mornings after a night up with one of our baby girls feeling exhausted to the bone, with creaky knees and eyes at half-mast and look at one another and say, “I’m too old for this!” (That’s what happens when you receive baby #2 at 40 years old and 44 years old.)
What a privilege it is to have a witness to my life that is full of such unconditional love. I’ve never once, in 10 years of marriage and 14 1/2 years of partnership, felt judged by Rob. Isn’t that remarkable? He just loves me…and I love him right back.
Choose Each Other Time and Time Again
This weekend we are going on a camping trip with my Mindful Mamas group and we’ll be renewing our vows in front of the camp fire. On 
our wedding day we did not do the “death til you part” thing. With the divorce rate at over 50%, we just didn’t get how anyone can make that promise. Instead we stated that our intention was to spend the rest of our lives together. And our intention to do so continues to be clear and true. Our vows read: “With this ring, I declare my intention that from this day forward you shall not walk alone…I promise to do my best.” What more can we ever promise?
Living Together Side by Side as Best Friends
I believe we have many soul mates that come in many forms. Our children, our dear friends, our sisters, our beloved pets, our parents. And of course, our romantic partners. It takes a village to raise our children and to raise ourselves. We need tribes around us. We need fulfilling work and meaningful friendships. We need a connection to spirit, the divine. And yet we are whole all by ourselves. Rob gives me space to do my work as a coach, author, speaker and teacher. I give him space to do his incredible music. We join together as best friends and appreciate each other as individuals.
On our wedding program we have this Rainer Maria Rilke quote:
“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.”
YES!
Stay Awake
My mission and intention for our next decade of marriage and beyond is to continue to stay awake. To give gratitude for Rob and his sweet smile and gentle eyes every single day. To continue to truly see him as the incredible human being, man, husband and father that he is. He supports me like no other. H
e sees my faults and freak outs, my controlling ways and utter imperfections and loves me anyway. He’s watched me birth our two daughters, seen me through many dress sizes, seen me on stage in front of hundreds, and walked in on me sobbing in the bathtub alone. And he sticks around for it all.
I’ve watched him hold our slippery newborn daughters mere moments after being born. I’ve seen him hit the drums in front of thousands of screaming fans at 1am, and watched him unable to keep his eyes open at 7:30pm. I held his hand when his adoptive mom took her last breath and watched him speak courageous words at his birth mom’s memorial service. I’ve seen him teach Annabella to swim and talk his best friend through his divorce. And I still laugh at his ridiculous jokes and know when he needs some love.
Rob, you are my favorite person on the planet. You are my best fri
end and my soul mate, my lover and my baby daddy. Thank you for being my husband.
May we continue to stay awake in our love story.
Dear One, thank you for witnessing our 10 year anniversary by reading this!
What have you learned about love over the last 10 years? Let me know here (below).
With tears in my eyes and gratitude in my heart,
P.S. I know my Wake-Up Call Wednesdays have been inconsistent since I returned from my maternity leave. I’m neck deep in book edits for my new book, Reform Your Inner Mean Girl, that I’m co-authoring with my partner, Christine Arylo (due out Spring of 2015). It’s been a crazy busy summer! Thanks for your patience.
Once the book is turned in, I have so many exciting things cookin for the Fall including a virtual retreat AND live event with SARK and Dr. John Waddell and so much more. Stay tuned!
P.P.S. I always love hearing your reflections to my posts on my blog. GO BELOW and let me know what you’ve learned from your relationships. I read every comment!!
Love is a journey, not a destination. There will be curvy roads and straight ones and lots of bumps along the way but as long as you stay focused on the good stuff and committed to the relationship your love will not only last it will grow. Congratulations on your 10 year anniversary. My husband and I will be celebrating 41 years married this year.
What a beautiful love story -confirms that a good friendship base is so important. Wishing you many more anniversaries.
Beautiful Amy, simply beautiful.
That’t the relationsip that I aspire to have. I love the idea of modified vows. I
ve been learning what you mentioned that there will always be some distance even between the closest people, that you need to give them space to be who they are, even with hard to understand, annoying habits. To know when to step in to help them overcome their bad habits & when to let it be.
There’s a love and ease between you two that is a gift to be near. thank you for this beautiful column.
In the last 10 years (spanning one widowhood and a six-year relationship), I’ve learned how important it is to be clear on what I want and why. My sweetheart and I agree that we’re each responsible for our own happiness. So we pursue our very different interests separately and bring that fun back into the relationship. I’ve learned to ask for help. I’ve learned that it’s better to give someone you love an honest “no” than a “yes” that will turn to resentment because it’s not tied to your true desires. I’ve also learned that orgasm and laughter are great energizers and should be practiced often!
Oh Amy, so beautifully stated. My husband and I celebrated our 30th in May and I so love your comments about marriage. I was so scared to get married and I trusted that Vernon was telling me the truth when he told me that there were so many really great things about being married. The one that I most appreciate is having a partner committed to loving ME! It has been so healing for me to be married to Vernon. I have grown so much having his love and support. While we have not had children together, we have accomplished so much including my medical training and career, raising his son, and healing our hearts as we learn how to love each other through all the struggles of life and family. I would highly recommend marriage as a strong fortress in an uncertain world and as the most wonderful way to grow and support another while getting the same in return multiplied 100 times. much love to you and Rob! Congratulations!
I’ve learned that LOVE is a howling call to become vulnerable, take risks, exercise courage and strength, and wildly play “too much.”
Thank you, Amy, for sharing this priceless love letter. Beautiful!
Amy…With tears in my eyes, I thank you for sharing your 10 years of marriage. What a beautiful journey you have been on. May you all have many, many decades together as friends, husband & wife, Mother & Father.
Thank you for sharing and
Happy Happy Anniversary,
Lee
Hi Amy! So many wise words in here. I really resonated with being a safe harbor and now that’s something I’ll aspire to for marriage. I learned a lot from this blogpost, but really, my journey has been a long lesson in self-love. As RuPaul says, “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
Hope you had a very happy anni and thanks for sharing your journey!
<3 Deb