Let’s be real—many of us, especially if you are a woman, grew up with an unspoken expectation: be nice, be agreeable, be liked. It starts young, and it often feels harmless. We were told, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” We learned to avoid conflict, keep the peace, and prioritize others’ comfort.

But when it comes to leadership, that need to be liked can be crippling.

As women step into more leadership roles, it’s time to have an honest conversation about this pervasive need for approval and how it’s holding us back from becoming the powerful leaders we’re capable of being.

Why Do Women Want to Be Liked?

Society has long conditioned women to value likability. We’ve been told that being liked means we’re doing things right— that we’re good team players, pleasant to work with, and agreeable. And while being pleasant isn’t inherently a bad thing(!), this need for approval can make us hesitate when we need to make tough calls or take a stand.

The pressure to be liked can create a fear of rejection or disapproval that stifles bold decision-making and innovative thinking. As leaders, we’re often faced with difficult choices— choices that won’t make everyone happy. But leadership is about making decisions based on values, integrity, and the greater good, not on whether or not people will like us for it.

When we prioritize likability, we often sacrifice authenticity. (Read that again.)

We hold back our opinions in meetings, soften our stance in negotiations, or bite our tongues when boundaries are crossed. This constant compromise erodes our leadership potential.

Here’s the thing: trying to be liked by everyone usually leads to being respected by no one. Oof!

Leaders who focus on being liked tend to avoid conflict, sidestep uncomfortable conversations, and ultimately struggle to make tough decisions. And, ironically, people often respect them less for it. When we constantly seek approval, we may come across as unsure or inauthentic, which weakens our leadership presence.

In contrast, when we lead from a place of authenticity, prioritizing respect over approval, we can make decisions that align with our values and the mission we stand behind. Even if people don’t always agree with us, they will respect us for standing firm in our beliefs. And we can do this all with kindness vs. being “nice.”

The Double Bind: Women and Leadership

Here’s where it gets even more complicated: research shows that women in leadership often face a double bind. We’re expected to be warm and nurturing (traditional “feminine” traits), but we’re also expected to be assertive and decisive (traits typically associated with leadership). If we’re too assertive, we’re labeled as “bossy” or “abrasive” or “a bitch.” If we’re too nurturing, we’re seen as “weak” or “ineffective” or “too emotional.”

This puts women in a tricky position where we feel like we can’t win. If we’re too likable, we risk being seen as not strong enough to lead. If we’re too strong, we risk being labeled difficult or unlikable.

But here’s the truth: You don’t need everyone to like you to be a strong leader. In fact, trying to please everyone is a losing game that will drain your energy and prevent you from reaching your full potential.

This is one of the many reasons I created the Rise and Lead Women’s Leadership Accelerator. As we head into the holiday season, I wanted to open up applications so our cohort grows into a strong crew of ambitious women leaders ready to lead with authenticity and kick self-doubt and imposter syndrome to the curb!

Put your no-obligagtion application in now.

It’s time to let go of the need to be liked and focus on the bigger picture: leading with integrity, making an impact, and being unapologetically yourself. Because that’s the kind of leadership that changes the world.

Warmly,