Dear One,

If you have a woman in your life that is on edge lately. A person in your life who identifies as a woman that feels extra grumpy, crabby or flat out exhausted and you’re wondering why, let me shed some light on the situation. (You’re welcome.)

We are enraged. We’re mad as hell. We are tired of hearing how men, especially white privileged men in power, feel nervous and scared of these movements. What you’re really saying is you’re terrified of women coming into power and having a voice. You’d prefer for us to stay silent and continue to put up with toxic masculine behavior and abuse. Saying things like, “It’s a scary time to be a man right now” is men’s attempt to center themselves and their feelings at the expense of women’s safety. It makes my skin crawl. (Love Glennon Doyle’s “Do you mean it’s a scary time to be a predator?” response to that.)

Is it tough for you to be held accountable for how you treat the women in your life? Too bad. Grow up and work on your fragility. Educate yourself.

It’s time for you to understand how it feels every damn day for women in this world. We are on notice 24/7 to ensure our own personal safety. To walk the lines of being attractive (but not too beautiful or, heaven forbid, too sexy). To be effortlessly perfect. To have toned arms and a thigh gap. To be smart and successful (but not so much so as to intimidate men.) To do the invisible labor in our households…and at the office. It’s exhausting. And scary. (And I am a straight white woman of privilege so I can only imagine how it feels to be a woman of color or a woman in the LGTBQ+ community or a woman with disabilities or a woman in any additional marginalized group. I see you.)

Now is a time of reckoning for men to grow the eff up and take responsibility for being a good human being and a good man. Knowing that 63% of all sexual assaults go unreported means these issues are significantly more wide spread than those highlighted in the last few years with the #metoo movement.

It really isn’t that hard to respect women, but in case you forgot or need help, here’s some ridiculously simple basic reminders:

1. Don’t rape women. Or sexually assault them. Or verbally assault them. Or objectify them. Or treat them like sh*t. If that doesn’t make sense, please seek therapy now.
2. Keep your dick in your pants, unless you are with a consensual partner who has told you explicitly that they want to engage in sexual activity with you right then and there. Remember that getting consent one time does not mean you have a free pass to a woman’s body whenever you want. That goes for wives and girlfriends, as well as Tinder hookups. (Reminder: you can get convicted of raping your wife…finally in Minnesota too…WOW!)
3. Don’t abuse your power position. Especially steer clear of raping women, assaulting women, demanding women give you massages, or “let” you give them oral sex. (See #1). Thanks for the reminder, Harvey Weinstein,
4. Don’t pull out your penis in meetings and begin masturbating. Thanks for the reminder, Louis CK
5. Don’t “really really like beer” so much that you get black out drunk when you’re a teenager and sexually assault a woman, then behave like a two year old having a tantrum when being questioned about it before securing a seat on the Supreme court, despite the credible accusation. Thanks for the reminder, Brett Kavanaugh.
6. Don’t marry underage girls, have sex with minors, emotionally and physically abuse women under the pretense of mentoring their singing careers, and hold them like prisoners in your home…and neglect to pay child support. Thanks for the reminder, R. Kelly.
7. Don’t lure women disciples into your office for a private “healing session” and then sexually assault and abuse them. Thanks for the reminder, John of God.
8. Don’t hide, cover up and protect predators and abusers, whether priests, Google executives, star news reporters, or USA gymnastic coaches.
9. Don’t speak ill of the #metoo movement claiming it is about people wanting to have significance instead of humans sharing their truth and holding people accountable…or “coach” a women in front of thousands of people telling her that she wasn’t emotionally abused and that there is no such thing. Thanks for the reminder, Tony Robbins! (And while we’re talking about self-help gurus with huge egos that treat people like sh*t and abuse their power, don’t culturally appropriate a sacred ceremony like a sweat lodge and end up killing 3 people. Thanks for the reminder, James Arthur Ray! )
10. Don’t stop hiring or mentoring women because you’re nervous about #timesup and #metoo. Seek help and education (see below) if you don’t understand how to show women respect and be an ally.

In closing, don’t be an asshole. Respect women. Be an ally. You are capable of doing these bare minimum guidelines.

Women have been emotionally waterboarded our whole lives, and it’s been especially hard since the day Trump announced his candidacy. He was “elected” despite the overwhelming evidence of his horrific abuse of women.(And yes, I’m aware of the disgusting stats that the majority of white women voters supported him…do we really hate ourselves that much, ladies?) Every time a new story breaks about another powerful man’s abusive behavior towards women, many women relive their personal trauma. It’s beyond stressful, so please check in with the women in your life and support them.

And while you’re at it, support a woman’s right to chose what happens with her own body. You seem to be pro-choice when it comes to YOUR private life, right? (Read: A Republican theme on abortions: ‘It’s OK for me, evil for thee’)

Hopefully, you have the basics above down. (I’d hope so. I’m surrounded by good men, like my dad and husband, who don’t even need these reminders.) Need resources on how to be an ally that are a little more, uh, subtle? I hear you.

Try this. Or this. Or this. Or this. Or google “how to be an ally to women.”

Check out organizations like Good Men Project, Mankind Project, Better Man Conference and watch The Mask You Live In.

Unsure about how to behave with female colleagues? Watch this fabulous PSA by the #timesup movement featuring sexual harassment FAQs.

#timesup is real. #metoo is too. They won’t slow down or go away. So get with the program and be the kind of man we can be proud of. You got this.

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