Over the weekend my family came to a heartbreaking decision. After nearly 6 months of welcoming our rescue Boxer, Rocky Blue, into our hearts and lives, we made the difficult decision to help him find a new home.
I will pause here for a moment to tell you that I have an Inner Mean Girl who is telling me that you will judge me and dislike me immensely for making this decision. I realize that this fear is a reflection of my own self-judgement and yet I feel it. I have shame, embarrassment and self-criticism that I’m still working through. I never thought in a million years that we would come to this decision, but alas here we are.
But my Inner Wisdom knows that we made the right decision for our family. And that any of you that are reading this will likely find a place of compassion for me and my family. And that no matter what, you always appreciate my authenticity and truth above any shiny sheen of perfection.So here I am delivering some truth telling through whatever shame spiral remains.
You see, Rocky Blue, was always a challenging dog. Not just the little things that we could live with (think slobber on all the couches or leaning into our guests’ legs without letting up), but the big things. Namely walking on leash and his intense stubbornness and defiance whenever we ordered him to do anything he simply didn’t want to do like go in his crate, go outside, go to his bed. He would chew up Bella’s dolls, go through the trash in the backyard and make himself at home on the couch when we weren’t looking.
The walks were the worst! It got to the point where I felt uncomfortable walking him with my big ole pregnant belly because he would pull and jump whenever another dog passed and my center of gravity is already off. And the hope that I would ever be able to hike or run in the hills with him off leash was becoming a clear NO. He was never going to be that dog. The most precious part of my days, hiking in the hills, became the most stressful.
So we invested in a high end 2 week training boot camp. Our last ditch effort to get him trained for safety before the baby comes in March. Unfortunately, the training ended up being too little, too late. The follow up regimen was all consuming, including the request that no affection be given to him for two weeks (try telling that to a 6 year old!) and that we leash him at all times in the house with a prong collar, showing him that we were in charge and the top dog. My husband, Rob, and I felt trapped and frustrated. Rocky Blue was depressed and becoming more defiant. We were at the end of our rope.
I bow to you and honor you, Rocky Blue. Thank you for showing us our limits. For reminding us of who we are and who we want to be. For being a teacher and ultimately bringing us closer together as a family, reminding us of our priorities, and allowing us to set boundaries.
Sometimes our Inner Wisdom compassionately guides us to make hard, heartbreaking decisions. Often times they are the most important decisions to follow through on. Whether giving the dog back, filing for divorce, or putting the drink down, we can tell in our bodies when the hard truth has been spoken. It feels grounded and right, even when we wish it didn’t. And following that inner knowing and guidance makes all the difference.
When was the last time you followed an Inner Wisdom hard truth? I’d love for you to share it with me here (below).
Thank you, in advance, for witnessing and for your compassion.
With great love,
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