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Wake-Up Call Wednesday: When Your Happiness is Being Held Hostage

Dear One,

I admit it…my happiness is being held hostage. I’ve been buying into the when/then Big Fat Lie BIG TIME. And it doesn’t feel so good!

I made a video for you that is probably the most vulnerable video to date where I spill the beans about the big desire I have for this year, that has yet to come true. (I’m actually feeling nervous even sending this out…maybe I’m sharing too much about this heartache?) Click below to watch it and let me know what you think.

What is holding your happiness hostage? The weight? The soulmate that has yet to appear? The money?

It’s time to take your power and happiness back! Watch the video and join me.

I’m sending you love and hope this video makes a difference in your life.

With unstoppable love,



Please let me know below what has been holding your happiness hostage and how you will take your power and happiness back!



  1. Carin says:

    THANK YOU for being so real and vulnerable with all of your followers. That takes a huge amount of courage. I am moved and inspired. “It’s a new day, Sweetie” 🙂 Beautiful self-love and advice to us all.
    Thanks 🙂

  2. Bethany says:

    Oh honey….you are so loved. I could tell that was hard ~ but you did it anyway. You’re one of my Sheroes just so you know!

  3. Al says:

    Great Blog, brought a tear to my eye. I really need to work on the vulnerable side. My big fat lie is trying to find a healthy, loving, grown up relationship. I’ve focused on looking and being disappointed when it doesn’t work out. I get frustrated by what I see as time being wasted. I know it’s only wasted when I’m not appreciating the present for the gift that it is. I agree, divine timing is at work and having faith is key. Letting go and enjoying life on life’s terms is the only way. thanks for sharing 🙂

  4. Jill Keuth says:

    Amy, thank you for sharing your heart and soul with us. I wanted to reach through my computer and give you the warmest hug. Lots of love for you!
    I have too many when/then’s! My biggest is ‘when I figure out what I’m going to do, start doing it and making money, then…’ I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for 8 years now and have been kind of stuck between loving my time with my kids and the rhythm of my life and feeling like we are strapped and I don’t have independence in my choices b/c I’m not making any money. I look to the future – when I get to that place- as an open place full of freedom. And I don’t feel that way today. Boo. Yuck.

    • Amy Ahlers says:


      Allow yourself to feel the way you feel today. Believe me that you will come to the other side if you just feel the truth of how you feel. Notice what your Inner Mean Girl is making your truth MEAN…what’s the story that she is telling you.

      And then ask what your Inner Wisdom knows…she has some insight for you when you are ready to hear it.

      I am sending you a vision of feeling alive and vibrant and free NOW.

      sending hugs right back,

      • Jill Keuth says:

        Thank you Amy. I am going to let this one soak in! But I’ll have to focus on the answers after dinner and bedtime. ha ha!
        And thank you for taking my call today!!! I was feeling weepy. Just so full of gratitude for the three of you and the FYC course. I’m glad that it will live on through the recordings but I will miss the energy and thrill of the live calls and your continued wisdom! This has been a life changing 6 weeks!
        LOVE and deep breaths and prayers for your little family!

  5. Amy – u brave, beautiful girl. I was thinking just today that I need to praise myself
    (and please do the same for yourself) for being fearless, for tackling with spirit and humor all the not fun things that have crept into my life lately. Loss has taught me
    to live fully every day. U will be in my prayers every night and I’ll tell my four
    Golden Retrievers to pray too (!) that a baby finds it’s way to you. A blessed Holiday
    Season. Love these posts!

    • Amy Ahlers says:

      Thanks so much Mary. I am sending you LOVE as you process your loss. And I’ll have Dozer, my beloved rescue mutt, send prayers to you too.


  6. M says:

    Thank you so much, Amy, for sharing–I got choked up listening, because my when/then is similar–only…I’m 41. I am a single (as in no help/contact from the donor) mom to an IVF toddler. I am not married, and don’t even have a soulmate in my life yet. I have placed myself back on the IVF waitlist with the hopes my soulmate will appear before I go with a donor. So my when/then goes something like: When I meet my fabulous soulmate who will not be snipped and be fertile and who will want to have kids yesterday and will love me and love my child and who will be willing to go through IVF with me and when the universe somehow, magically brings this baby(ies) to our family and we will live happier ever after…then I will be happy (or at least less insane)! Yes, I get a lot of feedback ranging from, “You’re crazy!” to “Wow, that’s very brave (and crazy) of you…”. So my challenge is to figure out how to enjoy the happy of today, gain some clarity in thought and action, and not vulnerable-ize myself to every potential partner I meet. Phew! I think I need a “Poor Me” Week… 🙂

    • Amy Ahlers says:

      Dear M,

      Oh my darling how I adore you for sharing this. You are seen. You are heard. You are loved.

      And I don’t think crazy is right. I think you are daring to dream and you deserve it. Stranger things have happened!

      And YES to not putting your happiness in the future, but instead deciding to be happy NOW as you attract in the love of your life and another beautiful baby.

      Sending LOVE and permission to have a “Woe is me” day or week…allow yourself to process all of the sorrow. I promise you’ll get to the other side.

      With love,

  7. Kendra Lacey says:

    Amy, My heart goes out to you and our other sisters who are doing the “when/then” thing. I myself have been doing the same thing for a few years and it has caused much heartache and more strife in my life. It was inspiring to hear someone else being open enough to share the same issue. It will come. It will. Have heart and peace. Thank you so much for opening yourself up so much.

  8. Carmine says:

    That was very brave of you to share your BFL with us, Amy. Thank you for being such a wonderful role model and mentor for women who are trying to escape the clutches of whatever is holding them back!

    I sometimes feel like I can’t REALLY start living until I figure out what my life’s purpose is. Which reminds me of the wisdom of this quote:

    “For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin — real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. ” – Alfred D’Souza

  9. Laura L says:

    Sweet dear Amy, thank you for being you and for being on the path of ALWAYS healing. It’s so healing for me to be part of this great healing of others, and so meaningful that you share such deep hurts.
    Right now I’m 3 weeks away from giving up my dayjob, and stepping onto the path of being a fulltime creative artist. I’m giving up a monthly pay, a daily 8-hr energy commitment, and a work community I felt at least slightly part of. I don’t know what my incomes will be from January 1st 2013, I don’t know anything, except that I’m on the correct path, creating.
    It scares me, and at the same time as I cry tears of fear, I cry tears of Joy that COME FROM SO DEEP INSIDE MY SOUL!!
    I fear and worry because I “just don’t know where I’m going”, when I really do know that I’ll be expressing my life fully, and I can’t go wrong with that.

    And as if this wasn’t enough, we are together with my soulmate planning our wedding, and moving in together in the summer 2013 – after having lived for 5 years on opposite sides of the world. Same response here, it scares me totally, and at the same time I feel deeply calm about it. My fears about “what if it doesn’t work out, or what if it doesn’t happen” are still so deeply anchored in my previous experiences… but this deep knowing of my soul tells me of course, that no matter what happens, I will be all right. It will always be all right.

    Oh Thank you for pulling these tears out of me!!

    Loving from your tribe,

    Laura L

    • Diana L says:

      Sending you lots & lots of love and acknowledgement & validation of your feelings. I too gave up a stable long-term career (in July 2011), packed two suitcases, and left for Australia to be with my then-boyfriend (now fiancee – WOOHOO!). We’ve lived for the better part of 13 years on opposite sides of the world and only by finally throwing caution to the wind, taking a leap of faith and trusting that things would work out as they should, were we able to move beyond the great distance barrier and the “someday” of our relationship together. We too are planning a wedding (May 2013) and though I, like you, struggle sometimes with not currently being employed in the traditional sense & not knowing exactly when/how I’ll be able to meaningfully contribute my skills/talents in a financially viable way again, I’m declaring my Happily Ever After will not be after, but will be NOW! I deserve to be successful in every area of my life, and so do you! Here’s to you, and here’s to us! It’s all unfolding for us as it should be. Best wishes on your journey. Lots of love.

  10. Amy H says:

    Powerful, Amy. Thank you for sharing. Your honesty is an inspiration. I’ve been in the muck myself…..learning (for the billionth time, am I dense?!?!?!?) that nobody is responsible for my own happiness but ME. Trying to say no to when/then cause it’s gotta be happening NOW and I gotta make it so. For myself. And strangely for my family too……cause sometimes being ‘selfish’ is the healthiest choice! Love you.

  11. Julia Weir says:

    My happiness is being held hostage too! I’ve been waiting for my son to recover from an incurable condition that prevents him from going to school, having friends, driving a car, having a normal life, etc. It’s as if I’ve been holding my breath for the last 9+ years. My life is on hold because his life is on hold. Perhaps it’s time to exhale and start living again.

  12. LuAnne says:

    Let me tell you the story of a house. I hate it. I have been trying to sell it since 1999. I won’t tell you all that I’ve gone through selling on a CD, getting it back, renting it with option to buy (they didn’t) and renting it in trade for fixing what first two trashed (every seen that hoarder show?)
    Today before I even saw the video here, I went out to talk to that house. I realized it wasn’t the house that I hated but my situation in owning it. So I sat there next to it and remembered all the wonderful things and feelings that had happened there. I winkled out the lessons I needed to learn from it and from owning it. And then I promised that I would help it find a family who would love it and allow it to live in the Light as it should be. I don’t know about the house, but I sure feel better.

  13. Cindy Butler says:

    Amy, thanks so much for having the courage to be vulnerable & so authentic…I’ve not doubt that SO much love & positive energy is following back to you, and I could so clearly relate to what you described about how you are feeling. ~It’s completely normal to feel disappointed when dreams don’t follow our desired timing, and I really appreciate your concrete advice in how to work through such time. I really love your analogy of “happiness hijackers” (the if/when syndrome!)….I’ve had many…it used to be the soul mate (he happily came)…then the yearning for children at an ‘advanced maternal age’ LOL! (they happily came)…now it’s finding a career more aligned with my ‘true self’…something which the FYC class has so supported me in (a million thanks!)…Your video first & foremost had my heart feeling & cheering for you, and you can be I’ll be sending lots of prayers & good energy (!), but is also really made me more aware of this “if/then…when” trap…Thank you for so powerfully pointing this out… My initial instinct is to encourage you to focus on the feelings of already having that baby in your arms, similar to some of the visioning exercises that Martha led in FYC…but….when it comes to a dream that’s so precious; and feelings that rock you down to your core, I’m wondering if that’s really a ‘good’ path to take…I’d be very interested in your thoughts/reactions from both a fellow yearning human being, as well as a seasoned & accomplished life coach. ~Sending lots of love dear Amy, and thanks again for so freely sharing your gifts, wisdom & love with the world!

  14. Wendi says:

    Thanks so much for your openness and vulnerability. One of the things my inner critic regularly does is tell me that I can’t possibly help other women love themselves when I still struggle so much with that, so it was very helpful for me to see living proof that you can write a best selling book and teach things you are still learning and aren’t able to practice perfectly every moment of every day. In fact, it is exactly your willingness to get real and share your own struggles that makes us like and trust you and want to learn from you.

  15. Tahnee says:


    This is what I love about you, your books, and your gifts to the world… You’re dedication to being real and teaching by example, rather than just telling. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. I will be sending all the positivity vibrations I can muster your way in an effort to help soothe the raw space you find yourself in momentarily. I’m a fan of the wois me day, too. It took me a long time to allow myself those days, but when I realized that if I took a wois me day, or two, or three that I was better able to move past whatever was suffocating the happiness of my soul, I began to embrace them. Going public as part of your healing journey is truly inspirational.

    As for me, what holds my happiness hostage is those numbers on the scale. I have yet to learn that they mean nothing. And so there often days where they mean everything, and they are responsible for everything from why I don’t have this or that to why the weather isn’t perfect. If I can blame it or connect it to my weight somehow, whatever it is that is wrong, you can bet I will. And I am forever putting off my life until I lose the weight. Which hasn’t worked in over 16 years. Yep, I’ve been holding myself hostage since I was 14 years old, truly believing I would be good enough only when I was the ‘right’ size and never noticing all of the wonderful surrounding me and loving me exactly the way I was. It’s sad really. The wois me days don’t work so well for this particular issue or its many subissues, but seeing your declaration of acceptance at the nature of divine timing, and determination to move past something that makes your heart ache so very deeply and appreciate all that is well within your world, reminded me that it is in the teeny tiniest steps of change that we truly come into our own. Thank you for inviting us to share in your healing.

  16. Lynn L. says:

    Dear Dear Dear Amy,

    I had a good idea what you were going to share today since you had mentioned wanting another baby in the FYC class. I cannot imagine a more loving, joyful, fun and forgiving mother. At 39 you are mother to many of us much older than you, and you comfort and nurture with virtual hugs, lovely language, teachings and your sweet spirit. You are a gift in the world not only to your own family, but to your bigger family out here. One of the big fat lies I tell myself is that if I just do….. then I will have …….. The lie is that I am really in control, and the lesson (truth), painful as it has been, is that certainty and control is an illusion that I use to feel less frightened in the world. And I only need that illusion when I am disconnected with spirit and scrambling to make something happen. Then I get the lesson all over again! Geez!
    I am sure you and Rob will consider your options to help a new baby come into your life. You are already wise beyond your years and will find your way to relax and trust that, pregnancy or not, you will continue to give birth to many more gifts. I wish for you that one of those will be another little spirit that comes from you and Rob, because Annabella is proof positive that you two do a great job of creating together! Much much love back to you darling girl! I can say that because I am 62 and I love being inspired by my younger sisters/daughters. I only hope I am giving as much as I am receiving. Sending you lots and lots of baby spirit energy.

    Lynn L.

  17. Janice Rose says:

    Dear Bravest Amy, I know!

    Kudos to you for your courage, strength & wisdom for putting
    your present, greatest fear & wish out into the universe! For a new baby! A fresh soul from heaven to help parent and provide
    a sibling for your darling daughter to know…. In my heart, I feel certain that you have opened the biggest door ever, for your wish/dream to come to fruition! You have been heard! You deserve your new healthy baby that will be such perfection for you & your family & the world!!!

    You are young enough to be my daughter, and let me share this
    w/you: I dreamed of sharing my personal story w/other women and
    my play was workshopped/produced in Dallas, in April, this year.
    Two evenings w/the public…feedback requested…noted…& the play was re-written w/some of the suggestions. Here’s the thing,
    the paradox, of sorts: The wish, the dream goes on as I want to share my story w/more & more women & invite them to share their own stories of domestic violence. Like you, I realize that sharing our stories is what helps to heal us, immeasureably so!
    And I am now working towards that goal.

    Rest & relax, rest & relax & reflect…continue to be the best-ever parent to your compassionate self-yearning…it is on its way to you!

    Janice from Texas

  18. Carolyn says:

    Dearest Amy,

    I feel how brave you are in sharing what you are going through and it is so admirable. Thank you. My hubby & I don’t have kids (yet!) but I can completely feel your pain & I am sending you & your hubby so much LOVE.

    My when/ then has to do with my family (my parents, who are divorced and my brother). WHEN they are more, truly, content in their lives and achievements, THEN I will reach for the stars with mine. I feel like, how do I deserve to have an amazing life, beyond my wildest dreams? (Not that I haven’t already had achievements to be proud of, but I mean, really, 2000% putting myself out there and reaching my potential!! I have always held myself back…)

    I have been setting the scene to have 2013 as my year but your post brings to the forefront- the most impotent thing is to focus on the NOW! To cultivate happiness in every moment. I can only do this for myself and damn it- I am going to!!!!

    With love,

  19. Fiona Jakovich says:

    Dear Amy,
    How wonderfully strong and loving towards yourself you are.A part of your healing proces indeed. Well done sweety. You are such an inspiration to me you are always so bubbly and positive that I often think How does she do that?But today you showed me also that you have your moments just me and that you get through them in such a beautiful transforming manner is just inspirational.
    Any soul wanting to grow further here on earth will have such good luck to have you as a mum! So I reckon there is a big line uo of potential baby’s waiting to jump into your belly and join you your husband and daughter in your amazing life!All my love and get practising to conceive!

  20. Theresa says:

    Love, Love, LOVE to you Amy!! Thanks for embracing vulnerable 🙂 I am working on this one with money, and making a conscious choice about it all this month, has really helped.

    Not there yet, but leaning in with purpose!


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