Dearest One,
Motherhood with two little ones has been kicking my butt!
I’m sleep deprived and weary, feeling the paradox of motherhood so strongly. I made a super short 2 minute video for you about it. I have no make up on and huge bags under my eyes…keeping it REAL for you cause that’s how I roll!
I so badly want to savor Evie in all her baby glory AND I want this phase of parenting to be OVER.
I want freedom AND I want to hold her close.
I want to have space to launch a new project for Mamas AND I want to be a stay at home mom.
I love being a mom AND I can’t stand being so relied on.
Oh the f*cking paradox!
So I’m embracing all of the parts of me and giving them love. Allowing them to peacefully co-exist, making all of my desires RIGHT.
Where is the paradox showing up for you? Let me know below.
May you unconditionally love ALL of you!
With sleepy eyes,
P.S. You matter, Dear One!
I feel the paradox in wanting to have a vibrant, rich, money-making career, being a respected professions VS wanting to be a nurturing,caring presence in my home/family (cooking delicious meals with creative, new recipes/ingredients, loving/supporting my husband, gardening and caring for the home space, loving/spending time w/my animals). Seems like I can’t do either one as well as I’d like. The work is pressureful/draining and the home life energy I’m able to give is inadequate — never feel good enough.
Oh Valerie how I know that Inner Mean Girl and her big fat lies so well!! I am sending you a vision of holding both of those desires and dancing in between. xoxoxxo
I get the never good enough! I can give to my family all ay long, without them noticing the time, the attention, the desire and love and all that I am giving up to make them a good meal, etc, and it is always at the end of the day, the one thing I didn’t do that they notice.
I want to exsist in my own right as a person and a mom.
Love this, Amy. A paradox I’m dealing with is that I started a new business recently, which I love, except for the marketing part. Things were zooming along for a few months, and I had dreams of not having to continue marketing the biz so much, but now there’s a lull and I’m feeling stuck as what to do next. I totally believe in the biz and feel it is my mission to do this work and I love being an entrepreneur, but the sellng part is so not me. I am trying to embrace this side of the business, but right now it’s a struggle.
OH YES! I have 4 kids and I refer to the 1st year as like Dickens – it’s the best of times, it’s the worst of times. I want them to be babies FOREVER. And I want them to go away and stop touching me already. I think the perfect system would be to be able to pause them, go live my life in the future, and then come back and cherish them as babies again for awhile. Infancy is like a firehose – too much, all at once.
Right now…I want my business to take off, and I want to put my business on hold and ignore it for awhile. And I think this paradox is really holding me back from soaring!
Hi Amy
Firstly I totally know the feeling of motherhood kicking your butt (or rather, as I’m from the UK, kicking your arse 😉 my boys are 4 and 7 now and I remember those early years and the dogged tiredness so clearly. But you’re right to savour it while still wishing it away, I know exactly what you mean.
My experience of paradox – well – I watched your video this morning while doing the boys’ breakfasts, then took them to school (my youngest started last month) and went for a run which is a relatively new thing for me. I’ve never been a runner at all and I find it hard but I do love it in a strange way.
So I’ve just been for a run and the whole way round my 3 mile circuit of country lanes I was thinking “keep going, keep going, you’re getting fitter and healthier and slimmer” while at the same time my brain was saying “stop! Stop! This is hell! I can’t breathe! My legs hurt! Stop, woman, stop!!” Total paradox space – you want to run and you want to stop, equally and at the same time.
And what do I do? I run in that paradox space. Sometimes I keep going, sometimes I stop and walk for a bit, then I run again, but I know that both parts of the duality serve me in some way. It’s all good 😉
I hope you enjoy your baby girl’s babyhood, even through the tiredness – I think it’s easier second time around because you KNOW it won’t last for that long, and it’s easier to know that one day you will sleep again!
Big love from one mum to another xx
I so get the whole paradox you are feeling. I want to stay, I want to leave. I want my sons to become independent, I want them small again. I want to home- school, I hate home- schooling and feel smothered and failed at not getting my sons to cooperate.
I am so very tired, I fall asleep when I sit in a chair and it doesn’t matter where the chair is.Could be a rock.
I want time to myself and the time I spend with my sons to be lighter.I want time for my projects as well as giving to them and being attentive.I want to not be a screamer, and sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs.My sons are 12 and 10 and so dependent on me ( for a lot of reasons) that I feel suffocated and all I want is for each person in this house to do what they can for themselves.I want to wrap them up and protect them, I want them them to be so strong, they are able to meet the world. Signed, a stressed out, exhausted Momma.
Amy! Thanks for posting this and sharing your paradox. Mine is that I feel happy to soon be a first-time Mom but I am also feeling that I will miss the independence I’ve had over the last few years sans child. Sending you much love!
I first thought your email was spam, because the subject line had the profanity in it! It bothers me that the “f” word is used so casually. Not only unprofessional, but not a very good example for your children, IMHO.
Dear Amy!!!! How I remember those days! And the well meaning ladies that would approach me in the grocery store to tell me that these were the very best days of my life as I stared at them numbly through the fog of the sleep deprived! They ARE the best days, and also the worst in a way…but that’s life huh? I love your message of loving all parts of ourselves and allowing ALL feelings during these f**king paradoxes!! I manifested a very busy work week last week and was one half proud and engaged and lit up….other half exhausted and worried that I was being a crappy mom and missing my quiet mornings at home. I appreciate your message today. That it’s totally fine to feel both ways, and I am embracing a quiet morning at home! Love and sleep!
Meredith