Dearest One,
Lately I’ve been noticing a pattern and I’m curious if you experience it too. One that always knocks me out and blindsides me…
I like to call it the vanishing friend syndrome (AKA “Ghosting” in the dating world. )
Sometimes it occurs when a crisis strikes and you notice some people in your life just bail. They disappear. Vanish into thin air. No calls. No texts. No card or casserole.
Or maybe it happens when the BIG WIN occurs. The long awaited newborn baby makes her appearance. Or you landed the big deal or new house. Or you meet the love of your life. And that one friend, the one who adores you and has spent late nights with you never appears to hug you or high five you. No “atta girl” or “atta boy” love.
Just crickets.
Honestly, it drives me nuts. It shakes me to my core, leaving a huge impact, having me question the level of our connection. “Were we really ever that close?”
So I ask you to notice if you are that person. The one who turns into a ghost. The one who shows up…until you don’t.
What is the payoff of bailing? And what is it costing you?
For me I’m drawing new boundaries for myself around this style of friendship. Here’s how it goes:
First, I pay attention when it happens and inquire what the deal is directly with my friend. I let the person know the impact and see if there is room for growth.
Second, I try not to take it personally and practice radical acceptance when someone shows me that they are a ghoster. No trying to change them. I just love them.
Third, I don’t count on my vanishing friends. I just appreciate them when they show up and are present and continue to build a tribe of amazing friends that are consistent and that I can always count on.
Let me know what you think in the comments below. I read every one of em!
With love,
P.S. Have you received your Wake-Up Your Inner Wisdom Kit yet? It’s FREE and will help you learn how to be your own best friend. Simply say YES to the kit at the top of this page and enjoy!
Do you have any suggestions or strategies for handling being unexpectedly ghosted by someone you’ve been dating for a substantial amount of time? Even a text politely acknowledging that something has changed and requesting an explanation/confirmation did not elicit a response. I find this to be the most hurtful and disrespectful way to end a relationship and am having trouble getting over it and moving forward.
Do you have any suggestions or strategies for handling being unexpectedly ghosted by someone you’ve been dating for a substantial amount of time? Even a text politely acknowledging that something has changed and requesting an explanation/confirmation did not elicit a response. I find this to be the most hurtful and disrespectful way to end a relationship and am having trouble getting over it and moving forward.
Thank you for addressing this! I have been “left” for lack of a better word by a person who I would have thought was my best friend in the world! Without a word! I even wrote her a note and apologized for whatever I had done to her. After much thinking about it, I realized that I had been at her beck and call every day for years.Then my situation changed and I was not as available but still there for her. I think that’s what did it! In a way, I think it would have been good to have cleared the air or talked like adults about it. but that didn’t happen. I do think people come into our lives for a purpose and then maybe the purpose is fulfilled. But really who know? Thanks again for bringing this subject up.
I’ve experienced this, but in reverse. A friend finds a new partner and suddenly I am no longer the person they call. Another friend has a baby and suddenly they only spend time with others who have babies. They get a new job and then somehow I am no longer cool enough or wealthy enough to be part of their new lifestyle. They buy a new house and it’s further away than the old one and suddenly it’s too far for them to drive to see me and I can’t get to them by bus (I don’t have a car) so we lose touch. It hurts. At the same time major life changes change who we are and what we need in our lives, so I can understand. It’s not personal. It’s not that they don’t like me or I don’t like them. And sometimes, years later, (when the baby’s a teenager and doesn’t need so much time, or the new work friends turn out to be back-biting and judgmental) those friends and I reconnect. Sometimes we don’t. In the big picture I’m OK with that. I’m grateful for all the heart connections I’ve made in this world, whether they be brief or for a lifetime.
Gosh, I have really been looking at this, as someone who was a dear friend, then ghosted me, got married last weekend. I had not thought to look at the timing of when friends have simply disappeared from my life. It hurts my feelings, and I have been looking to see what lesson I can learn. Maybe pick better friends? Or diversify and don’t rely on others as much? I definitely consider ghosting to be a sign of immaturity and selfishness. Even if the friendship is over, there is a conversation to be had.
I’ve been ghosted by a guy who seemed to be 1 of my best friends. But it took time to find that it was exactly that sh*t. The most damn thing abt no-reply is that you don’t know if they AT LEAST RECEIVED your msg!!! Once he said to our mutual friend that I should know that if he is not answering – means I’ve annoyed him. But how the heck to know that a person is doing it DELIBERATELY, if silence can mean MUCH MORE VARIANTS??? I tried to explain him. He only laughed. All ended that he blocked me 3rd time. No, now am not SMSing him anymore. I will surely reply if he will ever write. But that blind idiot must understand that am not a mindreader. In last SMS I wrote that would like to hear how I hurted him. But he never replied. Through a mentioned mutual friend knew that he, seems, received. After that I never wrote again. P. S. There was 1 else friend before him. Only after 2 years he wrote that received my abt 200 emails, just found them being too rude for deserving to be replied! Then I thanked him for notifying, cuz NOW I AT LEAST KNOW THAT HE WAS RECEIVING THEM!!!!!!!